People Who Are Going Straight To Hell Museum

Those to be displayed in said Museum are:

Men with unshaved back hair that persist in wearing tank-tops;

Tommy Hilfiger and anyone who has ever owned an item bearing his name. CAUTION: this room is not suitable to hyperactive children or anyone else who tends to be over-stimulated by the juxtaposition of loud colors;

Former sitcom stars that write autobiographies;

Professional widows;

The corporate consultant who first suggested replacing the entire Customer Service Department with a voice-mail labyrinth;

People unable to don an article of clothing unless it prominently displays someone else's name (for clarification: the red stripe inlay on the heel of Prada sport shoes is not considered a "prominent display");

People who think just because their U-Haul unloaded in Manhattan they are suddenly somehow more sophisticated than the bumpkins they left behind in the bucolic town in which they grew up and received their dreadful education;

People whose cars sport license plates with anything other than a random configuration of symbols. They are not called "vanity plates" for nothing and whereas vanity's name to Shakespeare may be "woman," to God, it is "damned;"

Any person who is under the misapprehension that a bottle of perfume or cologne, no matter how expensive, is "one application;"

People who have call waiting and use it, offering up their friends, as if in social auction, to see whom is the more worthy of their precious attention;

Anyone who wears a t-shirt that contains a complete sentence;

People who assume that simply because you haven't resorted to pulling a gun on them, you are actually interested in the story of their pedestrian life;

People who brandish wireless-phones in public places (there is a rather hot locale, with a lovely view of a lake of fire, in Hell for those who have had the temerity to have a conversation on such a device while dining with Mrs. Bowers);

People who have used the word "Illuminati" outside of the context of quoting an annoying person; and

People who use the tediously trite description that a noun was "from Hell" when not referring specifically to Satan.